I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
