I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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