im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
