I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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