p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
