We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
