you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
