i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
