no you cant smoke seaweed
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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