You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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