apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
