my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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