you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
