tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
