i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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