mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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