babies were throwing up all over the place
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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