I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
