I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
