Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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