I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
