last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
