then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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