My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
