after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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