it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
