Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
