so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
