Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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