Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
