I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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