I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
