Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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