why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
