So drunk, too bad you don't want this
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
