i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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