Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
