i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sext me about skeletons
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
