I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
we're so committed to being not committed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
