laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
BRING THE BAGELS
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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