my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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