im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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