Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
