Tell her she can't have a vagina
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
