I could have mohawked her pubes.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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