she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
