As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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