my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
