you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
