Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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